Necessary Things I Hate
I like lists. Lists succintly categorize items for you, which is great if you are as fond of straight-talk and to-the-point-ness (hey, it could work as a word!) as I am. I like lists because they are, in a word, pithy.
That being said, this blog is a list of Necessary Things I Hate, and it came about because of a recent particularly sleepy Saturday during which the biggest thing I accomplished was clipping my fingernails. And it took me all day to work up to it.
And without further ado...
Necessary Things I Hate
(in no particular order)
1) Clipping My Nails
I like to keep my nails short, and I wish they would stay that way. I don't need talons on my feet, let alone my hands. It's a nuisance to have to haul out the nail clippers every 2 or 3 weeks just to get the things back to the length I left them. Sure, it would be handy if they regenerated after getting slammed in a car door and falling off or something, but otherwise they're just dead cells and they're annoying. Hence, the beginning of my list.
2) Cutting My Hair
OK, this isn't REALLY something I hate, since I don't actually have to do it myself, and I actually do enjoy getting my hair cut and getting a new look. But it went hand in hand with the nail clipping thing because hair is also a bunch of dead cells getting pushed out of your body, and if we all just naturally had the same damn hairdo it would save a lot of decision-making time every six to eight weeks when it's time to go get it hacked off again.
3) Brushing My Teeth
Again, this is something that I actually enjoy. Or if not enjoy, then something that I am probably a bit too enthusiastic about doing. In fact, I used to brush my teeth so much that my dentist had to tell me to cut back on the amount of brushing I did. BUT...when it's about two hours past the time any normal person would be in bed, and the only thing standing between you and a good night's sleep is swabbing your teeth with a brush...it's hard to get too excited about the necessity of doing it.
4) Walking
My last problem brings up another necessary thing I hate: getting myself from one place to the next when I just don't feel like moving. When I am on the couch in the middle of the night, falling asleep because I am too damn tired to walk to bed, the last thing I want to have to do is WALK to the bathroom to brush my teeth. WHY haven't we figured out how to teleport yet? I would even be happy with floating to the bathroom!
Researchers are spending billions (OK, millions) of dollars trying to develop more efficient means of vehicular transportation, when really...they should all be working out the problem of teleportation instead. Seriously. Why bother with 20th century solutions to our travel problems when they could develop something that is light years ahead??? Talk about energy efficiency!!!
5) Eating
And that brings me to the next necessary thing I hate: eating. We spend SO MUCH of our time gathering, preparing, eating, and cleaning up food and it seems like such a waste! You're just going to be hungry again in a few hours, and then you're going to have to start all over again! While those researchers are working on teleportation, they should also be working on encapsulating food. Think of all the time and effort that would be saved by simply swallowing a pill that contained all of your daily nutrients and calorie requirements. No more trips to the grocery store, no more slaving over a hot stove, no more dirty dishes to clean up...my future would be SO much happier since I loathe household chores more than anything else. AND it would eliminate most of the need to brush and floss!
6) Washing Clothes
Speaking of household chorse to eliminate: washing clothes. I HATE doing the laundry. When I was a child, my mother told me about a friend of hers in high school who used to wear disposable paper dresses. Where have all the disposable clothes gone?!? Just think: every day you get to slip into a new outfit, you never have to worry about spilling your lunch on it (which you wouldn't have to worry about anyway if we had food pills), and at the end of the day you just toss it in the trash! AND...stay with me here...creating giant landfills full of disposable clothing won't matter because we won't need the land to grow crops, since all those chemists will be able to synthetically create our food pills. (Chris, you're working on it, right?) Now we have no laundry, no grocery shopping, no cooking, no eating, no cleaning of kitchens, no brushing, no flossing...see? There is a method to my madness!
7) Talking
Of all the time-wasters that could ultimately be done away with, talking is a big one on my list. I HATE talking on the phone, and when you're with someone who doesn't speak the same language, it can get complicated. BUT, if we all developed our ESP capabilities, these problems could be virtually eliminated!
You know that phrase "The language of film is cinema?" (OK, technically it's probably not a "phrase" but more of a slogan for Landmark Theaters, but we've all heard it a million times.) Anyway, if we all had ESP and we all communicated in images, we would get our point across much faster and without confusion. 'Nuff said.
8) Going to the Bathroom
Sure, I understand the biological necessity of eliminating waste from our bodies, but it is SUCH A PAIN to have to run to the nearest bathroom several times a day. And at my job, the bathroom is in the middle of a completely different floor so it's even more tedious. Sure, teleportation would make it easier, but you still have to interrupt what you're doing to go. Yet another reason that food pills need to become commonplace: the potential for fewer bodily wastes to eliminate!
9) Bathing
Wow, maybe we should just eliminate bathrooms altogether? We could, if we didn't need to bathe either. I have no solutions to the "need-to-bathe" problem, and I am, as always, damn glad that our skin is waterproof and easily cleaned and dried. But it's still a pain in the ass to have to clean ourselves all the time. And if it weren't for the fact that our skin needs to breathe, maybe I would suggest some kind of durable plastic coating? But then, what is skin if not a regenerating coating? I don't know. I just know it's a necessary thing I hate.
10) Working
Again, this is one of those things that I happen to enjoy when I like my job. But I hate the necessity of working, regardless of how much you dislike what you do. The fact that we have to spend so many of our waking hours preparing for, commuting to, and then actually doing work is very depressing. Add to that the fact that you don't get to retire until you're old and can't enjoy it as much as you could have when you were 50 years younger, and it's enough to make anyone quit in frustration!!!
11) Sleeping
Yes, like any normal person, I LOOOOOVE to sleep. But I hate that we HAVE to sleep. You know those days when you're having so much fun at a party, or you're reading a super good book, or you're watching a super good movie, or you simply have so much more that you need to accomplish but can't because you have run out of time and your body is demanding that you halt EVERYTHING? I hate that! It would be great if we could sleep whenever we felt like it, sort of as a treat, just like getting cheesecake once in a while. But the fact that we NEED to do it sucks, and that's just the way it is.
I am sure I could come up with a LOT more to say here, but my day at work is almost over...although today is one day I would postpone that if I could, since tomorrow I have to go in and have my nose hacked to bits. Expect some interesting blogs about it later. :)
That being said, this blog is a list of Necessary Things I Hate, and it came about because of a recent particularly sleepy Saturday during which the biggest thing I accomplished was clipping my fingernails. And it took me all day to work up to it.
And without further ado...
Necessary Things I Hate
(in no particular order)
1) Clipping My Nails
I like to keep my nails short, and I wish they would stay that way. I don't need talons on my feet, let alone my hands. It's a nuisance to have to haul out the nail clippers every 2 or 3 weeks just to get the things back to the length I left them. Sure, it would be handy if they regenerated after getting slammed in a car door and falling off or something, but otherwise they're just dead cells and they're annoying. Hence, the beginning of my list.
2) Cutting My Hair
OK, this isn't REALLY something I hate, since I don't actually have to do it myself, and I actually do enjoy getting my hair cut and getting a new look. But it went hand in hand with the nail clipping thing because hair is also a bunch of dead cells getting pushed out of your body, and if we all just naturally had the same damn hairdo it would save a lot of decision-making time every six to eight weeks when it's time to go get it hacked off again.
3) Brushing My Teeth
Again, this is something that I actually enjoy. Or if not enjoy, then something that I am probably a bit too enthusiastic about doing. In fact, I used to brush my teeth so much that my dentist had to tell me to cut back on the amount of brushing I did. BUT...when it's about two hours past the time any normal person would be in bed, and the only thing standing between you and a good night's sleep is swabbing your teeth with a brush...it's hard to get too excited about the necessity of doing it.
4) Walking
My last problem brings up another necessary thing I hate: getting myself from one place to the next when I just don't feel like moving. When I am on the couch in the middle of the night, falling asleep because I am too damn tired to walk to bed, the last thing I want to have to do is WALK to the bathroom to brush my teeth. WHY haven't we figured out how to teleport yet? I would even be happy with floating to the bathroom!
Researchers are spending billions (OK, millions) of dollars trying to develop more efficient means of vehicular transportation, when really...they should all be working out the problem of teleportation instead. Seriously. Why bother with 20th century solutions to our travel problems when they could develop something that is light years ahead??? Talk about energy efficiency!!!
5) Eating
And that brings me to the next necessary thing I hate: eating. We spend SO MUCH of our time gathering, preparing, eating, and cleaning up food and it seems like such a waste! You're just going to be hungry again in a few hours, and then you're going to have to start all over again! While those researchers are working on teleportation, they should also be working on encapsulating food. Think of all the time and effort that would be saved by simply swallowing a pill that contained all of your daily nutrients and calorie requirements. No more trips to the grocery store, no more slaving over a hot stove, no more dirty dishes to clean up...my future would be SO much happier since I loathe household chores more than anything else. AND it would eliminate most of the need to brush and floss!
6) Washing Clothes
Speaking of household chorse to eliminate: washing clothes. I HATE doing the laundry. When I was a child, my mother told me about a friend of hers in high school who used to wear disposable paper dresses. Where have all the disposable clothes gone?!? Just think: every day you get to slip into a new outfit, you never have to worry about spilling your lunch on it (which you wouldn't have to worry about anyway if we had food pills), and at the end of the day you just toss it in the trash! AND...stay with me here...creating giant landfills full of disposable clothing won't matter because we won't need the land to grow crops, since all those chemists will be able to synthetically create our food pills. (Chris, you're working on it, right?) Now we have no laundry, no grocery shopping, no cooking, no eating, no cleaning of kitchens, no brushing, no flossing...see? There is a method to my madness!
7) Talking
Of all the time-wasters that could ultimately be done away with, talking is a big one on my list. I HATE talking on the phone, and when you're with someone who doesn't speak the same language, it can get complicated. BUT, if we all developed our ESP capabilities, these problems could be virtually eliminated!
You know that phrase "The language of film is cinema?" (OK, technically it's probably not a "phrase" but more of a slogan for Landmark Theaters, but we've all heard it a million times.) Anyway, if we all had ESP and we all communicated in images, we would get our point across much faster and without confusion. 'Nuff said.
8) Going to the Bathroom
Sure, I understand the biological necessity of eliminating waste from our bodies, but it is SUCH A PAIN to have to run to the nearest bathroom several times a day. And at my job, the bathroom is in the middle of a completely different floor so it's even more tedious. Sure, teleportation would make it easier, but you still have to interrupt what you're doing to go. Yet another reason that food pills need to become commonplace: the potential for fewer bodily wastes to eliminate!
9) Bathing
Wow, maybe we should just eliminate bathrooms altogether? We could, if we didn't need to bathe either. I have no solutions to the "need-to-bathe" problem, and I am, as always, damn glad that our skin is waterproof and easily cleaned and dried. But it's still a pain in the ass to have to clean ourselves all the time. And if it weren't for the fact that our skin needs to breathe, maybe I would suggest some kind of durable plastic coating? But then, what is skin if not a regenerating coating? I don't know. I just know it's a necessary thing I hate.
10) Working
Again, this is one of those things that I happen to enjoy when I like my job. But I hate the necessity of working, regardless of how much you dislike what you do. The fact that we have to spend so many of our waking hours preparing for, commuting to, and then actually doing work is very depressing. Add to that the fact that you don't get to retire until you're old and can't enjoy it as much as you could have when you were 50 years younger, and it's enough to make anyone quit in frustration!!!
11) Sleeping
Yes, like any normal person, I LOOOOOVE to sleep. But I hate that we HAVE to sleep. You know those days when you're having so much fun at a party, or you're reading a super good book, or you're watching a super good movie, or you simply have so much more that you need to accomplish but can't because you have run out of time and your body is demanding that you halt EVERYTHING? I hate that! It would be great if we could sleep whenever we felt like it, sort of as a treat, just like getting cheesecake once in a while. But the fact that we NEED to do it sucks, and that's just the way it is.
I am sure I could come up with a LOT more to say here, but my day at work is almost over...although today is one day I would postpone that if I could, since tomorrow I have to go in and have my nose hacked to bits. Expect some interesting blogs about it later. :)
posted by ~D at
3:16 PM
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