Dickwad Returns
So...
I was going to write a post about my apartment-hunting trip, but I have to save that for tomorrow. Something else came up instead:
Imagine you're a man.
If you are unfortunate enough to already be a man, (Kidding! Kidding! Sheesh!)
No, really.
Anyway, if you are a man, imagine that you are a complete dick.
Like that.
Now, imagine that you have been living with your girlfriend for going on 5 years. Imagine that you started dating in college, asked her to marry you six months later, ("What, are you CRAZY!?!?"....oh, I guess she said no) then imagine that she finally DID say yes a year or two after that. Imagine that she even forgave you and took you back after you "accidentally" let her find out that you had a thing for your best friend (a female coworker 10 years older than you). Imagine that after years of working two jobs and going back to school full time to do something with her life while you sat on the couch like a lazy fuck, sleeping in and playing video games, you jump at the chance to move into an apartment with your girlfriend, her sister, and her sister's fiance because you are such a lazy ass that you still don't make more money than the average high school student and you want to save money on rent. (Oh yeah, and just for shits and giggles: imagine that you are 50 pounds overweight, your best friends are the high school students and high school dropouts you work with, and that you call yourself an actor even though the last role you ever played was a bit part in the school play five years ago.) Got all that? Good. Now imagine that it's 3 weeks before Christmas and while shopping with your girlfriend, you pull her into a jewelry store to pick out an engagement ring.
OK. Now...
Imagine that instead of a ring, you get her a $20 foot massager from Target for Christmas. Imagine she got you the most expensive iPod money could buy. And that she saved up for 5 months to get it for you because after getting her second degree it took 3 months to get a job and she was really broke.
Now, imagine that 2 weeks after Christmas you come home from work and sit on the bed without talking to her until she figures out through process of elimination that you are breaking up with her. Oh yeah, and that you really DO have a thing for the female coworker you have been ditching your girlfriend to spend time with. (Different one this time, but she guessed anyway...and oh how you denied it!) Then imagine that you pack up some things and leave, to move back in with your mother...for two weeks until you announce that you are moving in with the "other girl"...to stay in a spare room...in the basement...at her parents' house. Loser? Oh yes.
Having fun yet? This is like meditation, only not so calming. But we're not at the fun part yet, so bear with me.
Now imagine that over the next 9 months you still have responsibility for the lease and you don't move anything out of the apartment but some clothes, your precious DVDs, and your X-Box. Imagine that you never change your mailing address so that your ex-girlfriend is forced to collect your mail every day, sort it for you, and leave it in a stack on the mantle for you to collect when you stop by in the middle of the day after having used the workout room and her shower. And imagine also that you spend an inordinate amount of time at her apartment during the day using her computer because her cable internet access is much faster than your coworker's parents' dial-up. Imagine that every time the rent is due, which forces her to talk to you, you don't turn it in on time and make a big fuss out of it whenever she mentions it. Imagine that you go around town badmouthing her to everyone you spend time with (all right, that one's just too easy: his high school dropout friends? Who cares?) while pretending that you still want to be friends.
Are you bored yet? I am getting to the point! Trust me!
Imagine that for months after the lease is finally up and everyone moves their separate ways, you continue to harrass your ex-girlfriend by calling and emailing her, pretending to want to know how she is and what she is up to when really all you want is the $90 you think she owes you as a deposit refund.
Imagine that through friends she finds out that you are engaged to some Filipino girl you met on Friendster and have known for less than six months.
Imagine that after NEVER returning one of your phone calls or emails, you stop calling her for 5 or 6 months.
Until...
You call her up one day as though you just hung out yesterday and leave her a voice message asking for her mother's phone number...so you can buy some pedicure sets from her for Mother's Day. And you act like this is the most normal thing in the world.
WTF is wrong with you!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Not that this really happened. I'm just saying.
All right, we all know it really did happen.
But it's not like I'm bitter or anything. I'm just saying.
Well, maybe a little bitter.
But he's still a dickwad and I dare anyone to disagree!
I was going to write a post about my apartment-hunting trip, but I have to save that for tomorrow. Something else came up instead:
Imagine you're a man.
If you are unfortunate enough to already be a man, (Kidding! Kidding! Sheesh!)
No, really.
Anyway, if you are a man, imagine that you are a complete dick.
Like that.
Now, imagine that you have been living with your girlfriend for going on 5 years. Imagine that you started dating in college, asked her to marry you six months later, ("What, are you CRAZY!?!?"....oh, I guess she said no) then imagine that she finally DID say yes a year or two after that. Imagine that she even forgave you and took you back after you "accidentally" let her find out that you had a thing for your best friend (a female coworker 10 years older than you). Imagine that after years of working two jobs and going back to school full time to do something with her life while you sat on the couch like a lazy fuck, sleeping in and playing video games, you jump at the chance to move into an apartment with your girlfriend, her sister, and her sister's fiance because you are such a lazy ass that you still don't make more money than the average high school student and you want to save money on rent. (Oh yeah, and just for shits and giggles: imagine that you are 50 pounds overweight, your best friends are the high school students and high school dropouts you work with, and that you call yourself an actor even though the last role you ever played was a bit part in the school play five years ago.) Got all that? Good. Now imagine that it's 3 weeks before Christmas and while shopping with your girlfriend, you pull her into a jewelry store to pick out an engagement ring.
OK. Now...
Imagine that instead of a ring, you get her a $20 foot massager from Target for Christmas. Imagine she got you the most expensive iPod money could buy. And that she saved up for 5 months to get it for you because after getting her second degree it took 3 months to get a job and she was really broke.
Now, imagine that 2 weeks after Christmas you come home from work and sit on the bed without talking to her until she figures out through process of elimination that you are breaking up with her. Oh yeah, and that you really DO have a thing for the female coworker you have been ditching your girlfriend to spend time with. (Different one this time, but she guessed anyway...and oh how you denied it!) Then imagine that you pack up some things and leave, to move back in with your mother...for two weeks until you announce that you are moving in with the "other girl"...to stay in a spare room...in the basement...at her parents' house. Loser? Oh yes.
Having fun yet? This is like meditation, only not so calming. But we're not at the fun part yet, so bear with me.
Now imagine that over the next 9 months you still have responsibility for the lease and you don't move anything out of the apartment but some clothes, your precious DVDs, and your X-Box. Imagine that you never change your mailing address so that your ex-girlfriend is forced to collect your mail every day, sort it for you, and leave it in a stack on the mantle for you to collect when you stop by in the middle of the day after having used the workout room and her shower. And imagine also that you spend an inordinate amount of time at her apartment during the day using her computer because her cable internet access is much faster than your coworker's parents' dial-up. Imagine that every time the rent is due, which forces her to talk to you, you don't turn it in on time and make a big fuss out of it whenever she mentions it. Imagine that you go around town badmouthing her to everyone you spend time with (all right, that one's just too easy: his high school dropout friends? Who cares?) while pretending that you still want to be friends.
Are you bored yet? I am getting to the point! Trust me!
Imagine that for months after the lease is finally up and everyone moves their separate ways, you continue to harrass your ex-girlfriend by calling and emailing her, pretending to want to know how she is and what she is up to when really all you want is the $90 you think she owes you as a deposit refund.
Imagine that through friends she finds out that you are engaged to some Filipino girl you met on Friendster and have known for less than six months.
Imagine that after NEVER returning one of your phone calls or emails, you stop calling her for 5 or 6 months.
Until...
You call her up one day as though you just hung out yesterday and leave her a voice message asking for her mother's phone number...so you can buy some pedicure sets from her for Mother's Day. And you act like this is the most normal thing in the world.
WTF is wrong with you!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Not that this really happened. I'm just saying.
All right, we all know it really did happen.
But it's not like I'm bitter or anything. I'm just saying.
Well, maybe a little bitter.
But he's still a dickwad and I dare anyone to disagree!
posted by ~D at
9:25 PM
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